Walking the Tightrope: "The rug was pulled from under my feet!"
by Ruth Rubin, a guest writer in Scotland
I had my first psychotic breakdown in 1997 while working in Russia. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 1997 when I was 24 years old. Two weeks later my younger brother was diagnosed with Schizophrenia too while he was at medical school in Edinburgh. He was 20 years old at the time.
I have spent time in psychiatric hospitals, but I have not been hospitalized since 2006 because I now take my medication and have a fantastic Mental Health Team where I live in the Mull of Kintyre, Scotland.
In 2006, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder because I also suffer from a mood disorder {as well as psychotic symptoms}. In between bouts of ill health, my brother and I have faced stigma, been ridiculed, been bullied in the workplace, and felt marginalized by society—and very lonely. I was even deprived of a spiritual life by some psychiatrists and our own family.
I currently take Sulpiride {Dolmatil} and Lamotrigine medications. I have tried many different medications also because of my anxiety and weight gain. I am against recreational drugs and do not drink alcohol. {I do eat the occasional bacon roll, however!}
I still experience a lot of anxiety and synchronicity, but I have managed to tame the voices in my head with the help of medication and therapy. Long may it last! Medication has helped me and I also had very loving parents who gave my brother and me a home when we needed it. Some people are less fortunate. My grandparents and my father also suffered from mental illness.
There is still a lot of research to be done into the causes of Schizophrenia and there might be a genetic link. {Both my brother and I volunteered in 1997 into such a research project at Edinburgh University with Professor Douglas Blackwood, one of my brother's lecturers.}
My battle with Schizoaffective Disorder has been a long one, and as I have said I have a great Mental Health Team. I have a psychiatrist, a Community Psychiatric Nurse, and even a friend who lives in Russia {we do letter therapy}. I also have fantastic friends, and a dear brother. I do have a close male friend, but he is very religious and suffers from Schizophrenia himself. We help each other. He is an ex-trainee Catholic priest and a chemistry teacher. I have helped him with his alcoholism and he is 3 years sober!
These days I try to help others with their mental ill health through a local peer support group called 'The Kintyre Link Club.' We are a charity and welcome donations. You can find us on Facebook. Through the Kintyre Link Club I have met various people at the start of their journey and others who have been living with mental illness for a long time. I tell them "Things can and do get better." I wish someone had told me this years ago! When I left hospital I had very poor help and had to rely on family members. We have a shortage of psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses in Scotland. My parents gave me a home but I had lost my confidence, my job, my friends—and I was putting on weight rapidly. The rug was pulled from under my feet.
I am now 49 years old and both my parents are dead. I have my own home and garden and I live in a beautiful part of the world. I am financially secure and I don't have most of the problems other people have. I even have my own burial plot bought and paid for.
All I need to do now is to relax more, do more visualization exercises and mindfulness. I love Tai Chi and poetry, among other things. On Fridays, we do a relaxation session at the Kintyre Link Club. My brother and I have a lot more living to do!
I have no children as I don't believe in bringing suffering into the world. You don't need to have children to reach 'Moksha' either. {Note that Moksha is a state of harmony between the body and mind where a follower attains full enlightenment as well as breaking away from Samsara which is the cycle of death and rebirth characterized by an endless chain of unbroken suffering. This figures as a central goal in religions such as Hinduism and Buddhism. In Buddhism it is called Nirvana.}
We are just 'living life' as we say in Judaism. Personally, I think the planet is totally f*#ked anyway! I'll continue taking the medication!!! Always maintain a sense of humor too! It helps!