The neighborhood I call “Little Edgewater” has been going through a crazy change—at the same time it is getting more violent and drug-infested, there are more random neighbors who are getting more disgusted with the chaos and disrespect.
Let’s take a hypothetical situation in which we could see a lot of crime, random thefts, people selling stolen property, and utter disregard for the “Illinois Rules of the Road.”
From crazy driving to fencing operations, we could pretend that the area still functions like the back room of Al Capone’s diner. For example, there are several people who have asked about the McStolen process—products shoplifted from area stores and sold at a discount in the McDonalds Restaurant at 6231 N. Broadway.
McStolen could be one of the best non-kept secrets of Little Edgewater. I mean, if this random and imaginary situation has actually existed for many years—under the radar.
We could make up a cool story. We could pretend that customers, employees, and managers of the McDonalds are fully aware of the history of goods stolen from Walgreens, CVS, Whole Foods, and area liquor stores being sold in the dining room there. Although prices vary, here are some of the items that have been sold on a regular basis at a huge discount: Tresemme’ hair products, Pampers diapers, Lysol cleaning products, Fabuloso lavender all-purpose cleaner, and the very popular Fireball Cinnamon Whisky (which “Tastes like Heaven, Burns like Hell”).
McStupid is the imaginary process of random McDonalds employees and managers covering up the fencing operation by lying about it, denying it, banning customers who draw attention to it, or arguing with employees of other stores who insist their product is being sold at McDonalds and nothing is being done about it. According to one McDon who did not want to be identified, “all of that stuff is over and they are covering it up fast.”
The hope is people will forget that some dreamed-about thousands of dollars of CVS soda pop and watches never got to McDonalds, never got sold there for pennies on the dollar, and never went in a purse to travel to another neighborhood at night.
Interesting to note is that a lot of these random McDons do not even live in Little Edgewater. They come here from other parts of the city to do their dirty work. In the meantime, people actually do try to survive here.
People who live in the area and who do not like the awesome—and imaginary—McStolen process are enemies to the McDonalds restaurant, to the employees, to the managers, and to the tradition of thievery so well established and polished within the dining room. Those people are evil, to be shunned, and to be considered “troublemakers” we all hate, etc.
Those non-McStolen participants are jeopardizing a whole way of life. We could lump them into the largest category of Little Edgewater—and call them all homeless. Let’s blame everything on non-housed persons and assume they are all criminals. Let’s make them the scapegoat because rent is high and if you don’t have a job at McDonalds where you can get a can of Lysol spray for 50 cents, then you must be some sort of loser.
If I worked at McDonalds, I would want to get huge discounts on household needs, booze, cigarettes, lighters, and cologne! What an awesome but imaginary perk that would be! Buying all your soap, deodorant, laundry detergent, and dryer sheets for just a few dollars. What a great place to work!
I would hope to work in a McDonalds like this one—where even though the posted opening time is 6:00 am the employees straggle in at 6:15 or 6:30 or after 7:00… where the manager shows up in an Uber an hour late… where the restaurant closes at 8:00 pm or 9:00 pm instead of the long-posted 10:00 pm.
But since all of this is imaginary, we must remember that most people wind up trapped in the regular world, where the 9:00 am math class starts at 9:00 am and the 3:00 to 7:00 job demands some random worker wanders in at 3:00 and has to stay all the way until 7:00—or even later—to clean or vacuum or sort or file or lock up.
There are other imaginary thoughts we could have—random White guys wandering down the middle of the street almost naked screaming somebody has stolen their lighter—and imaginary Black guys on the sidewalk threatening to kill people if they don’t fork over some money or food or sex. This sort of thing goes on up and down Broadway.
There are still more crazy things we could imagine—like the constant drug sales at McDonalds. One of the people I asked about that said, “Well, I can tell you who can get you xyz… and if you don’t have any money your butt is gonna hurt for a week!” This guy is referring to the imaginary weed and worse being sold at your friendly burger joint.
Let’s say all of the above things actually happen. There would be an increase in crime, and that is what is hard on the neighborhood. First, stealing nail polish remover at Walgreens is a crime. Then, offering it for sale you-know-where is soliciting on private property (also a crime) and then of course negotiating and purchasing the items known-to-be-stolen-property would also be a crime.
Lying about McStolen in court would have to do with perjury under oath… but since all of the above is imaginary, there is no problem.
What are other crimes, infractions, and chaos in the neighborhood? Driving around in an old red Buick Rendezvous with no muffler would be aggravating—and loud—as would bearing false witness about community members who do not even go to McDonalds anymore.
What if the guy with the imaginary red truck actually works at McDonalds? What awesome and noisy bonus is he offering—free of charge—to persons who live in the neighborhood?
Driving through red lights on a regular basis would also be aggravating—and illegal—and if it went on all hours of the day and night, who could we call?
Driving faster on a yellow and racing through a red light would be rather rude—and illegal—and when it goes on all day long on Broadway, does anyone care?
When drivers are turning right against pedestrian traffic, it would seem impolite—and illegal—to use one’s vehicle to push persons walking across the street out of the way with your car. Is it impolite or illegal to threaten to do so by honking and yelling (at the pedestrians who have the right of way)?
What hope is there for Little Edgewater? What hope is there for a fantasy land full of imaginary crimes? Crazy notions about driving blind-folded? Crazy ideas about managers setting a good example by showing employees how to break the law every day?