Follow me reader! Who told you there is no true, faithful, eternal love in this world? May the liar's filthy tongue be cut off! Follow me, dear reader, and I will show you such love!
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('The Master and Margarita' by Mikhail Bulgakov, 2001, London: Wordsworth Classics, page 221.)
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Were all the lands mine,
from the Elbe to the Rhine
I'd count them little worth
If England's Queen
Would lie in my arms between.
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(Anonymous, German.)
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Saint Valentine's Day should be used to wonder and ask what we really mean by being in love, its many manifestations, and how we might love people in practice.
The party does not appear to be over! Some hopeless romantics are still celebrating Saint Valentine's Day. In Moscow even after the 14th of February! Every year lovers lavishly shower each other with gifts, flowers and cards to express their love either to existing partners or to those they admire. A few people who receive anonymous cards sent to them might never know who sent them the card! They might go on speculating about who had sent it all their lives. But because the very word 'love' has been so abused it is easy to be very cynical about this day. For this day has long been manipulated and abused by commercial interests who make lucrative profits from it.
You might also wonder if the term 'romantic love' represents an oxymoron. Just look at the diverse meanings the word romantic conjures up. It can be viewed as an unrealistic view based on how we would like to see the world rather than the actual reality, an idealization of some people or more often an intense feeling for someone or something.
Perhaps the most positive meaning related to love would be to treat some person in a special way. But intensely expressing deep feelings for someone in such away is impractical in the long term because it is simply exhausting. People lack the energy and are absorbed with the mundane things of life! Could anyone concentrate on passing an exam or holding a job if he or she constantly thought about their lover? I think C.S. Lewis puts it neatly when he states, “Who could bear to live in that excitement for even 5 years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love' “{‘Mere Christianity,’ by C.S. Lewis, 2001, New York: Harper Collins, page 109}.
This is because love can't be reduced to an exalted and emotional state.
Love is not a passive emotional state but instead manifests itself in many diverse forms such as brotherly love, maternal love, platonic friendship and in marriage. It is essential an active state consisting of doing constant little acts.
A philosopher called Fromm defined love as taking an active interest in your partner, knowing them, allowing them to grow, respecting them as well as acknowledging their freedom. It is strange that people who claim to love a person do not understand that real love acknowledges a person's right to a degree of personal space or autonomy. Entering a relationship does not mean your partner relinquishes inner freedom but rather that you respect it.
The crucial problem is that people can mistake the disappearance of the expression of intense emotional feelings for someone with the ending of love for their partners. Romantic love overshadows and almost cancels out other more profound, deeper and down to earth forms of love. Romantic love perceives love as some kind of theatrical display of emotions, an acted-out drama or intensity of emotions. When this ends, people mistakenly believe love has withered away because there is no longer the former fire which existed. They associate love with some kind of excitement or infatuation. So they rush into a divorce or have an illicit affair with someone new. And when they find another partner, the same disillusionment happens and they go on to seek another and another potential partner. They are seeking a perfect partner which never exists. They are doomed to further disenchantment.
But love is an active not passive state. Surely a partner should be more concerned about whether the partner is doing 'the small things' for them such as performing small chores for them, buying the odd present, giving a nice compliment or boosting their confidence by supporting their attempts to develop themselves. The little things we do for each other such as expressing a courtesy, offering praise, appreciation and affection are important. We don't have to do something spectacular or dramatic to express love. Buying someone a nice meal in a restaurant or visiting a person when they are sick or attentively listening to them represents a little act of love. It is those small acts of love which are constantly done from day to day which matter most.
Does that mean there is no place for 'romantic love?' I think there is as long as we see its limitations! Just as a hangover follows alcohol, so comes the hard and often boring tasks associated with marriage which follow romantic love. In this sense it is worth asking why we marry people. Do we marry someone for amusement or escapism? And when someone ceases to be amusing, do we divorce them? This might seem a crude caricature of how some marriages develop but there is a grain of truth in it.
It is too easy to be snobbish about 'romantic love' and dismiss it as 'romantic rubbish.' Many people sneer at the romantic novels of Mill and Boons novels. But if you actually read some of their best novels, you will find that these books seem to be not only well written but not so naive and unrealistic as they appear. They can also deal with the dark side of love such as women suffering from the past abuse by partners and the hope of finding a new lover who is much more sensitive. Some of those novels also excel as works of comedy. The English writer Angela Carter praised this genre of novel. I think the quality of such novels are underestimated.
The demise of romantic love can't be equated with the end of genuine love. On the contrary, it can serve as a stepping stone to a much deeper, profound and longer lasting love. And real love is unconditional. It ought to come with no strings. It is wrong to state that “I will only love you 'if' you do well in your exams, do this or that or earn this level of income.”
In Moscow I read a journal where some people stated, "I would never have a relationship with a man who earned just 50,000 rubles a month." But what happens if a person who earns a huge salary suddenly loses his job? Do you get a divorce? That would mean the famous Impressionist artist Renoir would be immediately ruled out as he was practically a penniless artist!
But Renoir got lucky! A seamstress called Aline fell in love with him. She stated, "I don't know anything about art but I love watching you paint." And eventually Renoir managed to earn much more money. Nobody would have predicted how valuable the works of the Impressionists would become in just two decades. There is a story that the Impressionists organized a raffle where people would pay money to enter it. The prize was one of their paintings. When a young servant girl won a picture, she was very disappointed. She exchanged the picture for tasty cream bun which she ate in seconds. If she had kept this picture, she would have grown rich within a few years!
In regard to helping some homeless women on the streets people should offer them a place without any 'ifs' or 'strings'. It should be a gesture of unconditional love where the person feels safe, secure and at home. This active expression of love is much more meaningful and profound than any spectacular or theatrical romantic love. As for sex I think Mark Twain summed it up succinctly when he stated it was very overrated and doing the toilet on time was underrated.
Romantic love is at best a prelude to something much more profound—but perhaps later!